overhaul / undertow

Friday, August 08, 2003


I'd like to write the truth about how I'm feeling, but there's too many people out there who know only a small slice of my life and not the big picture I get from in here on the inside, and so if I did that people wouldn't really understand.

why oh why did I ever tell friends and acquaintances about this weblog?

What I'd like to say is that I feel really good today. In fact the last week or so has been, in general, good. Healthy. Honest.

In fact, for months now, despite all sorts of difficulties, I've been stumbling across huge moments of clarity, peace, and self-discovery. Maybe these are happening 'cos my life is having many upheavals. Or maybe it's just time, like plate-techtonics moving things from below, subterranean inevitable inner changes as I grow and age.

I think, however, that there's still proof that I'm neurotic hidden in the fact that I feel guilty about that.

Ok, I think I know what it is. It's that I feel guilty feeling "alright" about my life, about the place I'm at, when I know others who are very dear to me, who I love a lot, are not feeling alright. My good friends have to weather me bitching and moaning a lot about my life and the oh-so-difficult travails I encounter in it. How, now, to tell them that for the last few months, despite all the insaity, I've been spiraling down on the inside to a place where I feel peaceful? How do I say "I feel good," when they don't?

On the other hand, to remain silent about it, when so much of what I do here is all angsty posting, seems disingenuous and kind of a dishonoring of some hard-won work I've done on myself for the last six months or so.

Eh, maybe it's just the yoga.


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