overhaul / undertow

Thursday, September 11, 2003

more proof god is sadistic

My love life follows one repetitive and predictable pattern.

If I really like someone,
they do not really like me.

If I do not really like someone,
they really like me.

It's been this way forever. I can think of only one relationship I've ever had where we each were fully met by the other individual's enthusiasm.

Lately I've begun trying to rig the game, not allowing myself to care about anyone who I might remotely be interested in, or have good things in common with. Because, goes my halfass (and largely unconscious) reasoning, if I do not like them, they will like me, and I want them to like me, so I just won't like them, and then I'll be in control, and I won't get hurt for the ten-millionth time.

this is an exercise doomed to failure, I am afraid, and even if it is not, it does nothing but make me sad, and alone. I do not mind being alone (I don't think)--I know *I* am the only person who's really with me come hell or high water on this journey, and any hopes or attempts at finding another constant companion will eventually be thwarted: life changes, people die, shit happens. So you're all you've got, and you try to remember that when you meet someone really neat whom you want to fall into like a waterbed...

Nonetheless, I am tired.


Post a Comment

<< Home