overhaul / undertow

Sunday, June 06, 2004

I'm staying at my folks' place this weekend and was just lying around, hanging out with the dogs. I realized something weird about myself: I was really, really, really absurdly talented with writing and language arts--reading, analyzing, etc. But I blew big time when it came to mathematics and sports. The pain I went through, forced to stay in every recess to finish my math tests, staring blankly at simple equations like 2=6+ ______ , ---just six, seven years old, -- and just being crushed to tears, and to dreading school, because I did not know the answer--it snowballed to such a degree that I became really socially inept, hated school, hated life, hated myself. But at the same time everyone was telling me I was brilliant, because of the writing. Brilliant but stupid? A moron and an intellectual?

The conflict, I think, infused my entire life and self-concept.



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