overhaul / undertow

Sunday, April 24, 2005

I think the full moon makes me weird.

I was completely stir-crazy the last few days, feeling weird and kinda high-strung...it's like there was this arc to my moods. About three weeks ago I was feeling depressed for reasons I couldn't pinpoint; then there were about two weeks of good, contented, happy mood, which kinda began to crescendo right before the full moon: I would get very little sleep, but would wake up feeling peppy and in a really "up" mood. As these days wore on it began to feel almost manic. I realized, in the full flush of one of these moments (feeling completely good and wonderful, but with a weird "speedy" kinda sensation behind it--and no I was not on drugs, thankyouverymuch), that I had the flash of recognition that What Goes Up Must Come Down, and that I could prolly look forward to a crash in a few days. But there would have to be a peak first.

And it was this last weekend. I went about my normal life but on the inside the upbeat mood had morphed from something benign to this bizarre, unfocused sense of anxiety and suspense, as though something were about to happen, some shoe somewhere was about to drop, and I didn't know what it was. I dragged TJ out on a recklessly speedy drive Saturday night, with no specific destination, only knowing I had to get out, had to move. We ended up at a pastry shop I used to frequent years ago down at La Brea and Third Street.

and then my cousin text-messaged me that night to ask me to go out and party with him. I haven't seen him in a long time, and when I saw him last I was...not all that well.

I text-ed him back to say I had no money.

This produced the expected results. I have not heard from him.

I have mixed feelings about that.

I hope he is okay.

For me, the peak of whatever it was has passed--that feeling that life is about to pounce on you from out of the jungle has moved on, its gaze drawn elsewhere...and I am back to feeling that iner sense of stability I'd completely lost Saturday night.

You know what it's like? It's like life is stalking you, and you suddenly become this hunted creature. Running from you don't know what, to something you can't define--your mind loses its itellectual sharpness and clarity and becomes this instinctive animal-mind. Full moons take on odd significance; the need to feel the road running under your car is a primal urge to flee. You think to yourself, "something strange is going to happen tonight," and then, weirdly, it does.

My stability and centeredness is back, but I still sense that hunted, animal sensation flitting around the edges of my consciousness, stalking with delicate pads and qiuetly clicking claws, and I try to keep to the path.

It's interesting to record one's state of mind in this manner--in text--and then string things together over time; I value this awareness of self, this careful scientific notation of the ways my soul & spirit move in the winds of the world. I find it helps me to see what DOES NOT change--the essence of self--as well as helping me to understand others without words, without the need for endless exposition.

You know, when I was a little girl I used to believe I could do magic. Why did I ever stop believing?

There is a great and certain magic in learning about yourself; and in listening to your intuition.


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