this is a very serious post.

I am thinking about choosing to believe in god again, because I need a rhyme and a reason and a meaning and a SENSE behind what "drives the green fuse"--that thing that makes the flowers bloom, the plant in the darkness trope towards the light--the rivers that run downhill, the seas that flood and sink with the moon--the moon! how poetic--the reason behind it all, the meter and rhyme, the fractal curve mirroring real life behind the trees and leaves and veins in leaves we see--

without something bigger than me, and bigger than "chance," "randomity," "luck," without a greater intelligence behind it all, I am bereft of any reason to live, and I want to live, so I think I need god.

god, sorry I've been such an onery bitch all these years, yelling at you and daring you to fight.

Hell, we both know I'd lose.