overhaul / undertow

Sunday, October 20, 2002

from aphelion in?...

I've been weird ever since July. Something's come loose and is knocking around up there, I can just tell.

Do you ever get the feeling--usually late at night when you're alone, doing some quiet activity--that you haven't the faintest idea what is going on? and the additional feeling as though you may never know? and find it very scary?

I donno. I guess I just get lonely, or depressed, sometimes.

Question: When one feels depressed, knowing it runs in yer family, should one regard it much in the matter as one would any recurring chronic illness--"Oh, crap, here we go again, I'd better rest up," or do you just let it flatten you?

Honestly, neither of those two options seems terribly appealing.

Hats off to Dad for tipping the genetic hand and making it clear beyond the shadow of a doubt--no subtle suspicions, no putting two and two together--it's clear as daylight, ever since those few years back--clear beyond the shadow of a doubt that there's something, some sicko tendency, in the blood to be contended with; a quiet little murderer, preferring poison over more crass means, its sole intended victim myself, loosing in the veins from time to time a narcotic unhappiness that seems both impossible to adequately medicate and maddeningly narcissistic. Seeing him go through what he did. He only made it out alive with medicine.

I do not want to take drugs for this.

It comes, it goes, I oscillate wildly between euphoria and epiphanies and then going down, undertows taking me.

Maybe everyone feels this way. I donno. It's not like it's SO bad. I just get moody. And so, yes, fine, I'm a drama queen.

Did you know, at aphelion (happens in July), when the earth is furthest from the sun, it's also the hottest? 'Cos the main continental mass is tilted towards the sun.



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