overhaul / undertow

Sunday, November 17, 2002

affirmative action for morons

I like the internet, don’t get me wrong.

I was concerned about one thing, though--I just felt it might not be that democratic a realm, you know? Here’s the crux of the problem: you have to HAVE internet access and the education to utilize a computer to even begin to move around in the online world. And it takes even more know-how, aptitude, and time to express your opinion and make your voice heard.

Basically, I was concerned that the net might become a world off-limits to all except the overeducated, the computer-savvy, the top ten percent or so.

Luckily, however, I was wrong!!!

This is great. What with the cruising around I’ve had the discretionary time to do lately, I’ve discovered that my fears of the 'Net being an elitist playground, with a college degree required for admittance, were unfounded! It’s true—the web is indeed democratic. It includes all people! Even that most unfortunate demographic, The Dumb.

Yes, folks, I’ve found to my great relief that the 'Net is an inclusive land, open to all. Thank heavens! Inane opinions, uneducated ranting, pseudointellectual blather, uninformed attempts at journalism, wholly biased accounts, and, perhaps most astounding of all, completely unintelligible sentence structure exist—even ABOUND!!!—on the Internet.

Well phew! Good to know. You can bet I’m wiping a bead of sweat off my brow as we speak.

For example:

"How many more people must die, how many more planes crashed into civilian buildings before you finally get it? Useless browbeating and 'reverse patriotism' just might be the death knell for 'inside' 5th column enemy consorts or as we call it in the big city.."THE ENEMY" you align yourself with so casually... it's not the president stupid, it's the Islamofascists. Your wandering beknighted economic paradigms of strawmanship belie the malfeasance of your ability to use a keyboard... btw how much do color coded keyboards run these days? try this out... our leader is taking us against overt threats of very real threat from a dubious and well funded faceless uniformless enemy, and you and your like may speak against the enemy but at the same time try every means by which to discredit the leadership...May a predator be your friend, and a black helicopter your cruising buddy... I want to fly it." (from the comment section of a fellow blogger, in "rebuttal" to said person's anti-war stance)

…can anyone tell me what he’s saying? Is there anyone out there who can explain what he’s getting at? I sure can’t, but I want to be open-minded—I refuse to be limited. It's time to realize that the society and language of The Dumb is just as valid as other cultures, and the Net is on the vanguard edge of this new movement. I think it's time we all agreed that being dumb isn’t a choice—it’s a disease, just like alcoholism! I mean, so often it's not their fault, it's inherited, you know? We need to embrace new ideas, new ways to be more compassionate and understanding—yet firm, of course—with The Dumb.

A lot of people say we should ship ‘em all to an island, but hello people, that’s so barbaric. They did that with lepers in, like, the eighteenth century. It's time to evolve. Let's operate on a new paradigm, here: one of understanding, appreciation, and brotherhood with The Dumb. And, thank heavens, the Internet is the perfect place to start!

Brave new world indeed.


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