dysphoria

I have been really fucking depressed the last month or so, honestly.

I don't know quite why--I know of a number of factors I am unhappy about, and maybe they've all come together in some sort of critical mass--but there is no one precise thing to trace it back to. Which is shitty, 'cos when you're depressed people always say, "Why?" as tho there's a clear answer, and for me there never really is. This scares me, because my father has battled clinical depression for many years. I really don't want to have to go through what I've seen him endure. It was truly terrible for him.

He's stable these days--even happy--but it was a long slog through years of serious unhappiness. He was suicidal at points. Voluntarily institutionalized at other points.

It was hell.

I certainly am not anywhere near that place (no worries, kids! especially those of you who always get alarmed over my more serious posts! I love you all and everything is just hunky dory!), but still, I feel really fucking shitty lately.

I also really need a new job. This is one of the elements feeding into my depression. I have basically been working for the same people (in different capacities and positions over the years, but still the same people all this time) for THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS. I've been in one place so long I don't even know how to identify how it feels to need a change. All I know is I feel like crying every morning as I drive to work.

Which sucks, 'cos it's a pretty drive.

Anyone got any leads? I'm really smart, too smart for my own good, actually, and I can do just about anything.

Bleah.