It's really fucking amazing how discouragement, a little setback like this woman not contacting me about the job, can get me so low. I feel like hell. I feel like I'm stuck in one place, life will never change, and I'm hopeless. I feel listless, lethargic, unable to do anything. I want to apply for more jobs and work on art projects to distract myself and keep myself feeling like there are options, but I have no energy--it's all been sapped by this crushing feeling of worthlessness and pointlessness.

I have some formula in my head that makes "setbacks" = "I suck and I'll never get anywhere and it's all futile and life is meaningless."

I don't know how to make this brain misfire stop.

I do remember this is what led me to doing way too many drugs--this feeling of being trapped and unable to make anything work.

Of course that won't happen, but...I just remember this feeling, and it's a lousy one.