The Anti-Martha Tip for the Week:

Floor too filthy even to walk on? Vacuum wedged in your closet in the interest of preventing various items from falling out? Have no fear! Use your trusty lint roller!

Yes, your lint roller, folks! That's right! With just a few simple rolls over those three square feet of your floor that are actually visible, you too can achieve a clean floor in MINUTES!!! That's right, MINUTES!!!

Impossible! you may say. Ah, but I beg to differ! See my lovely three feet of visible floor? See how shiny and clean my [originally, before the (unrelated) cola and red wine incidents] champagne-colored carpet is? Why, it's the same virgin color as my linen-tinted flocked ceiling! And those lint balls? Gone! Amazing! And if you still see lint balls, I assure you, they will all be pushed under those piles of stuff that cover up the rest of my floor--and all in just minutes!!!

But vacuuming is so much easier, you say? Hahaha, how foolish of you! Don't you remember what happened the last time you tried to remove that vacuum from the closet? No? Well, I'll remind you! Many, many large thingies fell out and all over! And many of them are still on your floor!

Ah, yes, use that lint roller. See? Isn't that better?