overhaul / undertow

Wednesday, July 03, 2002

I am discovering once again,
as I did when I was six and when I was ten and again when I was in eleventh grade,
like it's some sort of revelation all over,
[stupid of me to forget, eh?]
that the times when I feel most desperate to be around people
are the times when I need to lock all my doors,
turn off the phones,
shutter the windows,
tie myself to the mast,
and be completely

Few things hurt worse than forgetting that simple little fact,
and finding myself crying on the shower floor is just an annoying frustration,
that I should be so stupid,
that I should find myself here in this space with my head spinning and not knowing what to do,
where to go,
what to say.

I hope we are not fated in our lives to live the same mistakes, the same patterns, over and over forever,
with little or no knowledge of what the pattern means
and why we repeat it,
like a ghost captured forever walking the same hall, opening the same doors,
time moving forward and leaving us a negative captured on the page,
nonsensical, incomplete, and removed from anything that once held us meaningfully to the ground.


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