overhaul / undertow

Thursday, April 17, 2003

The weird food rundown

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter...Lite: I can.
Shrimp Chips: Un-fucking-believeably Good.
squeezable butter in blue and pink: Wordlessly, indescribably wrong.
SpongeBob Squarepants Macaroni and Cheese from Kraft: Alarming. It looks normal until you mix all the ingredients together--then it abruptly becomes a stomach-turning shade of cerulean blue. It's marketed to parents as being Fun For Kids. What I want to know is what on God's green earth could make it turn from normal "cheezy" yellow to blue so fast? What sick fuck of a parent would want to feed this to their children? And what masochistic exec over at Kraft came up with this one? My roomate brought this home from the 99-cent store, and we had fun watching its amazing transformation.
Green ketchup: Highly disconcerting.
Pheylalanine: An artificial sweetener. Highly addictive. Yum.
Peeps: A reason to live. Probably one of the most artificial-seeming "foods" you can ingest and survive. And so, so so good. Added bonus: after two weeks exposed to air, they become hard, like little chick-shaped bricks of sugar, and are then of infinite use in weird art projects. One could prolly tile their bathroom walls with them in a very Pop-art kind of way. In fact, someone should.
Fat-free cheese: How, I ask you--how do they do it? But it is an acceptable substitute for real cheese.
Wow! Chips, any brand name: The risk of anal leakage is unappealing, yes--but here is a quote from Vanessa:
"I love Olestra. I have loved few things in this life of mine, but one of them is Olestra. I would be their spokesperson, if they let me. I'd love to rub it all over my body. Olestra--mmmmmm."

You heard the woman.

Got any to add? Throw 'em in the comments, I want to compile a resource volume on these things.


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