overhaul / undertow

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I am depressed.

It's a combo of monthly hormones, nothing to do all day, or rather things to do that I don't want to do; also a job search that's hanging in stasis right now, and a lot of self-judgement.

I'm trying to decide which way to go career-wise. I know I'm putting too much pressure on this one choice (the choice being, Which office job do I take?) but I feel like I've lost sight of my goals, or maybe even like I never had any. My enthusiasm for writing (well, for journalism, really) is waning, and it's so scary to feel that happening.

When you lose enthusiasm for the one thing you had *thought* you were always *meant* to do, what are you left with?

Honestly, it kinda makes me feel like nothing means anything.

It surprises me not a whit that I got so messed up in the years past, because I'm at a crossroads these last few years and I have some sort of unfortunate native tendency to lean towards the negative assessment of things. I can look back and understand how it would have been so appealing to just zone out and not be present.

Now that I'm back and in the moment, tho, the problems have not gone away.

I just feel so fucking lost sometimes.


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