Current reasons to live: The lovely blue orchids on my diningroom table. They are the color of peacocks, from pale yellow-green at center to richest imperial purple-blue at their tips. I got them for myself, as I've refused to let my broke-ass status--or that fact that no one ever gives me flowers (with one notable exception)--condemn me to a flower-free life. The book I'd like to write. Paru's restaurant. My friends.

the thought that someday maybe I'll figure some more things out.

still, with all these reasons, I worry, and I am afraid.