overhaul / undertow

Sunday, April 24, 2005

I think the full moon makes me weird.

I was completely stir-crazy the last few days, feeling weird and kinda high-strung...it's like there was this arc to my moods. About three weeks ago I was feeling depressed for reasons I couldn't pinpoint; then there were about two weeks of good, contented, happy mood, which kinda began to crescendo right before the full moon: I would get very little sleep, but would wake up feeling peppy and in a really "up" mood. As these days wore on it began to feel almost manic. I realized, in the full flush of one of these moments (feeling completely good and wonderful, but with a weird "speedy" kinda sensation behind it--and no I was not on drugs, thankyouverymuch), that I had the flash of recognition that What Goes Up Must Come Down, and that I could prolly look forward to a crash in a few days. But there would have to be a peak first.

And it was this last weekend. I went about my normal life but on the inside the upbeat mood had morphed from something benign to this bizarre, unfocused sense of anxiety and suspense, as though something were about to happen, some shoe somewhere was about to drop, and I didn't know what it was. I dragged TJ out on a recklessly speedy drive Saturday night, with no specific destination, only knowing I had to get out, had to move. We ended up at a pastry shop I used to frequent years ago down at La Brea and Third Street.

and then my cousin text-messaged me that night to ask me to go out and party with him. I haven't seen him in a long time, and when I saw him last I was...not all that well.

I text-ed him back to say I had no money.

This produced the expected results. I have not heard from him.

I have mixed feelings about that.

I hope he is okay.

For me, the peak of whatever it was has passed--that feeling that life is about to pounce on you from out of the jungle has moved on, its gaze drawn elsewhere...and I am back to feeling that iner sense of stability I'd completely lost Saturday night.

You know what it's like? It's like life is stalking you, and you suddenly become this hunted creature. Running from you don't know what, to something you can't define--your mind loses its itellectual sharpness and clarity and becomes this instinctive animal-mind. Full moons take on odd significance; the need to feel the road running under your car is a primal urge to flee. You think to yourself, "something strange is going to happen tonight," and then, weirdly, it does.

My stability and centeredness is back, but I still sense that hunted, animal sensation flitting around the edges of my consciousness, stalking with delicate pads and qiuetly clicking claws, and I try to keep to the path.

It's interesting to record one's state of mind in this manner--in text--and then string things together over time; I value this awareness of self, this careful scientific notation of the ways my soul & spirit move in the winds of the world. I find it helps me to see what DOES NOT change--the essence of self--as well as helping me to understand others without words, without the need for endless exposition.

You know, when I was a little girl I used to believe I could do magic. Why did I ever stop believing?

There is a great and certain magic in learning about yourself; and in listening to your intuition.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


It's pretty accurate:
INFJ - the counselor
You scored 0% I to E, 26% N to S, 23% F to T, and 36% J to P!
Your type is best summed up by the word "counselor", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. Only 2% of the population share your type. You are so empathic that you often know what others need before they know themselves. You are a complex person who can deal with complicated issues and people, almost prefer to, as you love problem solving. You can be something of an idealist or perfectionist, and should try to take yourself a little less seriously.
You are a supportive and insightful romantic partner, encouraging your mate to have dreams and work hard to make those dreams come true. Because you are so creative, you have a wealth of ideas to help them toward those goals. You need harmony so much that you are driven to resolve conflict quickly, as long as the terms don't violate your ethics. You feel the most appreciated when your partner admires your creativity, trusts your inspirations, and respects your values. It is also vitally important that your partner be open and emotionally available - in other words, that they be willing to share themselves completely.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: INFJ

The Portrait of the Counselor Idealist (iNFj)

Copyrighted © 1996-2004 Prometheus Nemesis Book Company

The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and directive and introverted in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.
Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test

Monday, April 18, 2005

the mind of the victim...

I've got a little student at work--no more than 6 years old, I think--who's been coming up to hug me and then being...a little TOO affectionate. He leans in to kiss my boobs and hugs way too long. Obviously the kid has no clue what he's doing, but it's bugging the hell out of me. With visions of incarceration dancing before my eyes, I had to ask my supervisor how to deal: she said to tell little Alex, "No kissing." That's pretty easy, I guess. But here I am at home getting ready for work, trying not to dress in anything too tight. All my t-shirts are fitted. And here I am, being a total doof, trying not to wear anything too suggestive or anything. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HE'S SIX. *Who's* in charge here? Sheesh.

Gah. How about, "Alex, I think we should see other people"?


Tuesday, April 05, 2005

get yer kicks