overhaul / undertow

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I didn't get it.

Monday, June 27, 2005

My nozomi is unstable.

Nozomi: Japanese for "new hope for the future."


Well, I finally went for it, decided I'd rather hear news of any sort rather than sit and wait and wonder, and called the Variety editor.

To my question if she'd chosen an assistant editor yet, she replied that No, she hadn't, and she'd be doing that in a day or so. Which only leads me to believe that other people were in the running--something she had decidedly inferred was NOT the case when we met. I guess I'm a sucker. When an interviewer says "Well, you sound great," I believe them.

In order to keep myself on the forefront of her mind and to make an effort at proving I'm proactive 'n' shit, I'm going to send her a few completed articles on upcoming events about town, as well as a few targeted for the specific sections she'll be having in this publication.

And in order to keep myself from losing my mind, I'm going to continue applying for other jobs.

Que sera, sera.

I just hope that whatever "sera's" is not crappy.

Okay. So this woman has not emailed me or called me about this Variety job.

At the very least, she should have contacted me to discuss payment for the article I contributed: http://www.variety.com/index.asp?layout=upsell_article&articleID=VR1117924643&cs=1 (it'll ask you to watch a commerical for the full article, so don't worry about reading the whole thing).

Now it's just rude.

I should call her today, I guess, if only to get a concrete "no" so I can take my emotional energy off this issue and continue with my job search.

So frustrating.

Friday, June 24, 2005

It's really fucking amazing how discouragement, a little setback like this woman not contacting me about the job, can get me so low. I feel like hell. I feel like I'm stuck in one place, life will never change, and I'm hopeless. I feel listless, lethargic, unable to do anything. I want to apply for more jobs and work on art projects to distract myself and keep myself feeling like there are options, but I have no energy--it's all been sapped by this crushing feeling of worthlessness and pointlessness.

I have some formula in my head that makes "setbacks" = "I suck and I'll never get anywhere and it's all futile and life is meaningless."

I don't know how to make this brain misfire stop.

I do remember this is what led me to doing way too many drugs--this feeling of being trapped and unable to make anything work.

Of course that won't happen, but...I just remember this feeling, and it's a lousy one.

Not a peep back from the lady who interviewed me.

I'm beginning to freak out.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

interview over pancakes

I think it went pretty well.

Not counting my chickens yet, though.

I took Heathervescent's advice and queried her as much as she did me. It really seemed like a meeting between two equals, and she appeared to be very satisfied with my qualifications. I hope everything works out.

Monday, June 20, 2005

wish me luck!

I am interviewing for an assistant editor position at Variety -- yes, the entertainment industry bible -- tomorrow.

The editor interviewing me is interested in taking on a full-time assistant
editor. It would be for her work on a new section, "V Life Weekend",
which will cover local events, arts and culture, all that.

I'm a good person for the job because I am plugged into a multiplicity
of scenes and am pretty well informed on the arts and culture scene in
LA. I am a decent writer, a good communicator, and a fast learner.

Minuses: I have very little experience in layout. The programs
publishers use for creating layouts, and even the old-school paste-up
procedure, are things I have almost no experience with. I also look
relatively young, which I guess for this sort of work could be a plus
rather than a minus, but I'm not sure. I don't know what expectations
are for positions of this sort, and have no knowledge of what a
reasonable salary would be.

Any advice on how to approach this meeting, how to sell myself without
being dishonest about my shortcomings, etc?

I may or may not get this position--que sera, sera, and if I don't get
it I will accept it simply wasn't right for me. But I would love to
nail the interview. In my life so far, I've often acted from an
immature or childlike position--showing up late for work, resenting my
work, being passive agressive towards bosses, wishing for something to
change or get better, living in my unpaid side projects and putting very
little energy into my work, walking into things from a position of
powerlessness. I want to work on being a grown-up, and this seems like
part of that.

Monday, June 06, 2005


[sigh of satisfaction]