I am an authority.

Hey, the LA Alt Press published my "Best-Of's" in their "Best of LA" issue.

http://www.laalternativepress.com/v03n06/feature/staff.php

Mine are the "Best Place to Take a Tourist", "Best Sex Shop", and "Best Hangover Breakfast". I didn't research the first one--I just KNEW. Growing up here taught me a thing or two. As for the second, I have very little experience in this arena, but one just assumes...and for the last one, years and years of extensive research brought me to THAT conclusion.

Ironic that I won't be needing hangover breakfasts anymore...I'll miss those sublime Irish Coffees.

"'If you knew you could not fail, what would you do?' -- those are the things that you want most to do in your lifetime."

I stopped drinking and joined AA along with Normal.

I even have the book. I can't believe it. I shouldn't be so aghast: grandpa on my mom's side was a terrible alcoholic--it killed him and destroyed their family--and these things apparently skip generations. But yeah. So. Now I've been sober for five days. It feels weird to be so lucid. I am getting all sorts of little mini-epiphanies about myself, and about life, and about spirituality and humanity and all that crap. I think the drinking dulled them. I don't know why I didn't want to think about them. They are saving my life.

But I've always been terrified of change.

Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.


Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

this is a very serious post.

I am thinking about choosing to believe in god again, because I need a rhyme and a reason and a meaning and a SENSE behind what "drives the green fuse"--that thing that makes the flowers bloom, the plant in the darkness trope towards the light--the rivers that run downhill, the seas that flood and sink with the moon--the moon! how poetic--the reason behind it all, the meter and rhyme, the fractal curve mirroring real life behind the trees and leaves and veins in leaves we see--

without something bigger than me, and bigger than "chance," "randomity," "luck," without a greater intelligence behind it all, I am bereft of any reason to live, and I want to live, so I think I need god.

god, sorry I've been such an onery bitch all these years, yelling at you and daring you to fight.

Hell, we both know I'd lose.

I'm staying at my folks' place this weekend and was just lying around, hanging out with the dogs. I realized something weird about myself: I was really, really, really absurdly talented with writing and language arts--reading, analyzing, etc. But I blew big time when it came to mathematics and sports. The pain I went through, forced to stay in every recess to finish my math tests, staring blankly at simple equations like 2=6+ ______ , ---just six, seven years old, -- and just being crushed to tears, and to dreading school, because I did not know the answer--it snowballed to such a degree that I became really socially inept, hated school, hated life, hated myself. But at the same time everyone was telling me I was brilliant, because of the writing. Brilliant but stupid? A moron and an intellectual?

The conflict, I think, infused my entire life and self-concept.

Weird.

I am amused by the appearance of the Scandinavian language group


Gus, I love to read your blog. I can't actually read it, of course, but it's so fun to look at.

What does this mean, for example...?

the roof the roof
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LEUK! met een hoofdletter L E U en K.
Dat was de 23.408ste fire-drill die ik hier op school heb meegemaakt.
Maar gelukkig ook m'n laatste.
Oké, vooruit dan.
Nog eentje.
Als ik de school afbrand en aansteek met mijn brandende Propedeuse.
(moet ik die alleen wel eerst afhalen, natuurlijk)

Een vreugdevuur!

Wieeeee-oee!

Wieeeee-oee!

Wieeeee-oee!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

FUN!!!

cue theme from "Jaws" here


My new roommate just quoted a Bible story to me.

From the Old Testament, no less.

Uh-oh.

Then again, maybe I need a good sturdy dose of god. The problem is, my roommate feels secure in knowing he's loved by God and there's a Heaven and he knows what's right and what's wrong, all because he CHOSE to have faith. He's lucky.

I don't know how to make that choice. It's like being colorblind--you simply can't conceptualize of it.

They fucking rock. Go. See it:

-=+BEGIN MOUS TRANSMISSION=+-

Tickets are still available, but seats are going fast for the Ministry of Unknown Science's latest comedy experiment, "The Semi-Erotic Adventures of Lopez the Invisible Mexinaut."

Have you reserved your tickets for the experiment yet?

You haven't? You fools!

This experiment sees the Ministry return to their original-recipe secret laboratory in downtown Los Angeles. The show's length has been expanded AND they've brought back the bad-ass brass band stylings of LA's Infamous Critical Brass. This homegrown happening is something that you won't want to miss.

And hey, what the hell, everyone gets a free beer if they give the person at the door the codeword: Splenda!

Tell your friends, make it a night out! Come early and get plowed at Bar Barbara's! Then, gather your senses, punch your heart a few times, take some deep breaths and rub your nipples for...

The Ministry of Unknown Science's Experiment Number Four: "The Semi-Erotic Adventures of Lopez the Invisible Mexinaut."

Science is back in session!


PERFORMANCE DATES: Fri. and Sat. -- June 4th, 5th, 11th, 12th, 18th & 19th.

SHOWTIME: 8:30pm sharp. (Doors open at 8:10pm)

BEER AND WINE AVAILABLE FOR YOUR SWILLING

PRICE: $15 earth dollars.

RESERVATIONS, INFORMATION AND YARDS OF FUN STUFF: www.tmous.com

The location of the lab will be emailed upon reservation confirmation.

Rugged footwear recommended. Safety goggles provided. No wagering.

Intrigued? Puzzled? Outraged? Excellent! Email the Ministry at: mini-@mac.com

-=+END MOUS TRANSMISSION=+-

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