I sent my big camping-type stuff to the playa tonight with Hippie Steve: my rebar stakes, camp chair, tools, conduit connectors, my 'lil bike, and--coolest of all--my new tent, which I purchased just this morning. I was driving down Topanga Canyon Boulevard thinking about how I should go to Big 5 to see if there were any tents on sale, when I saw right on the side of the road, in front of an apartment complex, a big tent. It had a "garage sale" sign on it. I pulled in. It was twenty bucks. SOLD.

Nice big 8' x 8' Coleman tent, barely used.

So I gave all that to Steve, and asked him to also pick up some water for me on the way up.

For all this I gave him $140. I know he deserved it, esp. with the water which will require extra work from him, but I'm recalling I also will have to kick down for gasoline when I carpool up--gasoline for an RV--and I'm wondering, Exactly how does NOT driving myself, save me any money?

I feel like I'd save a lot more money if I drove myself.

But the car is old, and my family, with whom I live right now, would plotz if I attempted to drive there (only child syndrome), and also would freak cos the car is so old & has so many miles on it.

I just sorta feel like I'm handing over all this money, just to avoid upsetting my parents over the car thing.

Ugh.

I really need to save this money to move out. That's what needs to happen more than me even going to burning man.

Am I wasting my money when I should be applying it towards, like, growing up?

I'm 28, and I live at home, and I was unsuccessful after a decade out of the house on my own. I fucked up adult life, and now I'm fucking around going to burning man when I should be acting like a fucking adult and getting the hell out of here.

I'm in a bad mood.

I suck and life sucks and everything sucks.


It's a good thing I didn't quit today:

From : Amanda Shore
Sent : Monday, August 8, 2005 7:05 PM
To : "'michele .'"
Subject : RE: Thank You

Hello Michele

I feel that company will be putting this position on hold for a while, and I
am sorry for any inconvenience that it may have caused you. However, I will
keep your file on hold here and contact you when the position opens up
again.

Kind regards

Amanda

YUM and yikes


Note: Every breaded & fried fish sandwich, everywhere, no matter what they call it on the menu, be it at the lowliest diner or the chic-est of brasseries, is termed by the discriminating diner as a *FISHWICH*.

I am currently enjoying a reheated *FISHWICH* from last night's late-nite pilgrimage to IHOP with TJ.

Also note, all fried items, when reheated, must be reheated in a stove, on a piece of aluminum foil or a metal pan of some sort. Never in a microwave--horror of horrors. Too many quality french fries have died an early, futile death in the stagnant and terrifying chamber of a microwave. Never, never again.


Mmmm.

Oh, and I got a new job. No more working here...

...say hello to here...

Providing, of course, I don't burn the place down or shoot food out my nose at an upcoming "trial run" later this week. Eesh. I'm nervous 'cos I have to give notice at my current job--which, admittedly, I don't particularly mind losing, but still, being unemployed & broke is sucky--but I have to basically let them know I'm gonna take another job, 'cos I have to take off almost all of Thursday and Friday to do this "trial run." And then what if she decides not to hire me? I'm out of a job.

I'm a little spooked, but I have to keep reminding myself I'm not married to my current gig. I'm just always afraid of change. Hopefully that fear will diminish in time.


Anyway, *FISHWICH*. Yeah.

My new favorite song:

The Trapeze Swinger, by Iron & Wine:


please remember me, happily
by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin, the time when
we counted every black car passing
your house beneath the hill, and up until
someone caught us in the kitchen
with maps, a mountain range, a piggy bank
a vision too removed to mention

but please remember me, fondly
i heard from someone you're still pretty
and then they went on to say that the Pearly Gates
had some eloquent graffiti
like: “we'll meet again” and “fuck the Man”
and “tell my mother not to worry”
and angels with their great handshakes
but always done in such a hurry

and please remember me, at Hallowe’en
making fools of all the neighbors
our faces painted white, by midnight
we'd forgotten one another
and when the morning came i was ashamed
only now it seems so silly
that season left the world and then returned
and now you're lit up by the city

so please remember me, mistakenly
in the window of the tallest tower
call, then pass us by, but much too high
to see the empty road at happy hour
gleam and resonate just like the gates
around the Holy Kingdom
with words like: “lost and found” and “don't look down”
and “someone save temptation”

and please remember me as in the dream
we had as rug-burned babies
among the fallen trees and fast asleep
beside the lions and the ladies
that called you what you like and even might
give a gift for your behavior:
a fleeting chance to see a trapeze-
swinger high as any savior

but please remember me, my misery
and how it lost me all i wanted
those dogs that love the rain, and chasing trains
the colored birds above there running
in circles round the well, and where it spells
on the wall behind St. Peter's
so bright with cinder gray in spray paint:
“who the hell can see forever?”

and please remember me, seldomly
in the car behind the carnival
my hand between your knees, you turn from me
and said the trapeze act was wonderful
but never meant to last, the clowns that passed
saw me just come up with anger
when it filled the circus dogs, the parking lot
had an element of danger

so please remember me, finally
and all my uphill clawing
my dear, but if i make the Pearly Gates
i’ll do my best to make a drawing
of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl
an angel kissin’ on a sinner
a monkey and a man, a marching band
all around the frightened trapeze-swinger

nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah ...

Things 'n' stuff

I had so much fun at Siggraph. Pics to follow when I get 'em.

I am so happy. My boyfriend just quit smoking, today, which started 16 minutes ago.

Yay yay yay!!!

Life is difficult. I feel indescribable, adrift, and becalmed.